Life as the Champ
By Matt Smith
I'd like to say that life got immeasurably better since being crowned 2007 NPT Champion, but truth be told, I don't need to defeat a few pathetic poker-playing chumps to feel good about myself. Still…it was nice.
A week after my victory, I took the belt to Thanksgiving dinner on the Jersey Shore. I won't exaggerate and say that Bruce Springstein lost his shit when he met me, but he was awfully impressed and promised to write a song celebrating my victory. I asked him if the song could be sung in a gravelly voice and include the words "Jersey" and "Wendy" and he said, "Don't they all?"
My reign as "People's Champion" brought great fortune, as I parlayed my new fame into intimidating suckers out of countless $6 Hold 'Em pots. I won nearly triple digits in prize money in "friendly" games from Chicago to Las Vegas. Oh yes, my friends…the rich do get richer.
As the calendar turned to 2008, I did what every famous, wealthy and fancy man does when presented the opportunity: I traded in my tired, old ride for a newer, sportier model. And while the divorce itself wasn't exactly a fun event, I encourage you all to experience the sheer joy of dating a girl who was in junior high when you graduated high school.
The new year proved to be a whirlwind; while I try to sign autographs for every fan, the simple math means that is not always possible. I am sorry to anyone I had to stiff…or with whom I refused to make eye contact. But really – it's equally your fault. Some of you smell really bad.
During the summer, I was honored when Barack Obama personally called to ask for my endorsement – apparently, he has been an avid follower of the NPT for years (although when I pressed him, he could not name another past champ…or even any other player). We criss-crossed the country together to speak about change and how to play pocket aces. While he can understandably make no promises, don't be surprised come January if someone you know is tapped as Secretary of Poker in a newly-formed (and highly prestigious) Cabinet position.
I had gotten so busy with my glamorous life that I hadn't noticed the summer ended, but then the Cubs went on an extended losing streak and I realized that it was almost NPT time again. The more things change, the more things stay the same. What a refreshing lesson to re-learn!
Now, as I make preparations to defend my title, I find a difficult task at hand. I mean, how can I really think of it as a "defense"? Honestly, we all know it will be more like taking candy (the Belt) from a baby (you losers) again.
I will wrap up my year in review by answering the most common question I've been asked on the road: "Champ," they ask, "what's it like?"
I will tell you what I've told the literally tens and tens of you that have asked that question. "Much like wielding a 12-inch cock or dating a supermodel, that's nothing you have to worry about. Go back to being average and leave the awesomeness for the truly great ones…like me."
And with that, boys, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Let's see what you've got on October 18!
~ The Champ
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